WHY
Why the way you are…
make me always missing you
Why the way you are
Create an emotion that no words can describe it
Imagine your silhouette is…
Like a drop of water on the dessert
Run to me, hug me, kiss me
LAKI-LAKI dan MATA
Mata hati, kata hati..
Laki-laki
dengan matanya yang gelisah
menatap lurus pada cahaya lilin dalam pekat malam
bersila menghisap rokok,
coba usir gelisah dan ketidakpastian hidup
suatu hari dimasa mudanya
Laki-laki,
dengan matanya yang menatap penuh misteri
berjalan seolah pasti,
namun ringkih
Laki-laki,
dengan matanya yang setajam mata elang
berdiri di sudut ruang
Diam, tanpa kata.
Menorehkan kesan abadi dalam ingatan.
Laki-laki,
dengan matanya yang merayu
dan rambutnya yang mulai memutih
sungguh memesona, kala bersepeda di pinggir pantai
Laki-laki,
dengan mata yang tersenyum tanpa beban
dibalik kaca mata hitamnya.
Pernah, tunjukkan cemburu dengan tingkahnya yang kekanakan.
Laki-laki,
dengan matanya yang bergerak lincah kala alkohol menemani
ulurkan pertemanan yang tulus.
Laki-laki,
dengan matanya yang menatap dingin
tanpa senyum di bibir
ditemani secangkir kopi dan rokok.
Berdiri di situ,
memaku langkahku.
Laki-laki,
dengan matanya yang telah kehilangan ekspresi
ditelan beratnya beban hidup,
suatu hari dimasa tuanya.
membuatku bertekad, aku ingin menjaga bara dimataku.
Laki-laki,
dengan matanya yag syahdu
dengan tangan memegang gobogan salju
berdiri menunggu tram di pagi yang beku
sungguh, lukiskan pelangi di langit musim dingin yang kelabu.
Laki-laki dan mata. Mata hati. Kata hati. Kata-kata. Candu
karlsruhe, 21 februari 2010.
DIAM…. DAN BERBALIK
Ketika kamu mengingkari bahwa”kita” pernah ada,
(sekecil apa pun arti “kita”)
ada sesuatu yang hilang,
kesedihan yang menjadikanku ter..DIAM
dan berbalik darimu.
mencoba mengobati hati yang luka,
tanpa kehilangan senyum
tanpa menjadi getir.
(karlsruhe, 16.02.2010)
Matematika : Sejauh mana logika mampu menuntun manusia pada kebenaran?
Oxford Murders poster
Bagaimanakah realita dari sudut pandang seorang mahasiswa jurusan matematika yang percaya bahwa tidak ada satu pun fenomena yang terjadi secara kebetulan? Bahwa segala sesuatu terjadi berdasarkan sebuah model, sebuah skema yang mengikuti teori logika matematika? Seorang mahasiswa yang percaya bahwa esensi dari alam raya bersifat matematika, bahwa ada arti yang tersembunyi dibalik sebuah realita? Ia percaya bahwa untuk memahami rahasia dibalik realita sehari-hari, manusia perlu mengerti rahasia dibalik angka.
Deskripsi di atas adalah isi dari interupsi mahasiswa tersebut pada sebuah kuliah umum seorang profesor matematika bernama Arthur Seldom di universitas Oxford pada tahun 1993. Kuliah umum dibuka dengan sebuah film yang menggambarkan bagaimana di tengah desingan peluru Ludwig Wittgenstein menemukan ide yang tertulis dalam bukunya Tractacus Logico-Philosophicus. Sebuah buku yang mencoba mencari tahu, mungkinkah manusia mengetahui kebenaran? Wittgenstein kemudian menyimpulkan bahwa tidak ada satu kebenaran pun di luar matematika, lebih tepatnya logika matematika yang mampu memberikan kepastian yang menihilkan perasaan manusia.
Profesor Seldom sebaliknya mempertanyakan keampuhan matematika untuk mengerti segala hal karena akan selalu ada batas tertentu yang tidak bisa ditembus, yang dalam bahasa fisikawan Heisenberg menjadi teori ketidakpastian. Betul bahwa manusia mencoba mengerti fenomena jatuhnya salju, bagaimana pertumbuhan salju mengikuti hukum alam atau bagaimana memahami keindahan dan harmoni dalam pola gerak kupu-kupu; tapi mampukan manusia memprediksi sebuah hurricane? Mampukah manusia memahami keindahan dan harmoni dalam sebuah sel kanker yang membelah diri sedemikian cepat untuk menghancurkan tubuh yang sehat? Haruskah hidup selalu memiliki arti? Bisakah segala sesuatu terjadi hanya karena kebetulan? Dalam usaha mencari arti hidup itu…. kebenarankah yang dicari ataukah ini adalah manifestasi dari ketakutan terdalam manusia? Adakah hukum alam yang mengatur keberadaan empat orang yang di masa datang akan saling berkaitan di sebuah jalan di Oxford hampir pada saat yang bersamaan?
Percakapan antara profesor dan mahasiswa tadi mengisi perdebatan yang mengasikan sepanjang film berjudul Oxford Murders yang dibintangi oleh Elijah Wood dan John Hurt. Mereka berdua ditantang untuk mengungkapan rangkaian pembunuhan yang terjadi di Oxford : mengikuti logika matematikah atau sekedar sebuah kebetulan belaka?
Saya menyukai dan suatu waktu dulu pernah terpesona pada matematika. Tapi saya sampai pada poin bahwa tidak segala sesuatu perlu dijelaskan dengan model pembuktian matematika yang ketat. Seringkali saya merasa bahwa dalam beberapa kasus matematika telah digunakan tidak pada tempatnya. Sejak dulu saya tidak percaya dan tidak mengerti (bukan karena hasil tes IQ yang berkisar pada angka 90) pada model tes IQ yang memberikan angka pada kemampuan intelejensia seseorang. Saya juga tidak percaya (tanpa bukti matematis) pada kecenderungan untuk melogiskan perilaku konsumen karena bagi saya dibalik interdependensi manusia dengan lingkungannya, masih tetap ada ego, ada sesuatu yang unik pada setiap individu yang tidak bisa diintervensi. Bukankah setidaknya ada dua kemungkinan untuk mengisi angka berikutnya dalam deret 2, 4, 8,….: bisa 16 atau 10? Kalau matematika pun memberikan kemungkinan yang berbeda, bukankah manusia adalah mahluk yang lebih kompleks untuk bisa dimengerti, untuk bisa diatur polanya? Pemodelan apa pun yang berkaitan dengan manusia menurut saya hanyalah sebuah usaha penyederhanaan, pencarian mayoritas yang tidak mengindahkan adanya minoritas. Kalau dalam matematika ada aksioma, yang bisa menerima kebenaran tanpa pembuktian, bisakah itu terjadi dalam hidup manusia sehari-hari?
Mengetahui sampai batas mana matematika diperlukan untuk menuntun pada kebenaran tidaklah mudah. Matematika selalu mencoba menerangkan segala sesuatu dalam sebuah fungsi, dengan angka. Dalam matematika, keberhasilan diukur dari kemampuan untuk memodelkan sebuah permasalahan secara logis; dalam hemat saya (yang bisa saja salah karena saya tidak mendalami matematika secara kusus) bahkan matematika mencoba mematematiskan hal yang tidak (atau belum?) terjangkau pemikiran dengan sebuah fungsi acak (random). Hal yang akhir-akhir ini malah membuat saya muak dan ingin berteriak : mengapa manusia tidak bisa menerima keadaan bahwa ada hal yang tidak bisa, tidak perlu atau pun tidak mungkin untuk dijelaskan dengan angka? Melenceng sedikit dari tema tentang matematika, bahasa jerman sebenarnya memberikan peluang untuk hal-hal yang tak perlu/tak ingin dijelaskan ini. Ketika saya bertanya mengapa “warum”, ada jawaban “darum” yang bisa diterjemahkan bebas sebagi “hanya karena”. Herannya, saya sering kehabisan kata-kata dan menggaruk-garuk kepala yang tidak gatal karena pada umumnya orang Jerman selalu bertanya “mengapa” bahkan untuk sesuatu yang saya tujukan untuk bercanda.
Bercermin pada diri sendiri, sepertinya akan sulit bagi orang yang terbiasa dengan metode matematis untuk menerima keadaan ‘beginilah adanya’ dalam kehidupan sehari-hari. Meski pun saya dapat menerima konsep bahwa ada hal-hal yang tidak perlu/tidak mungkin diketahui sebab-akibatnya, dalam kehidupan sehari-hari saya harus mengakui bahwa itu bukanlah pekerjaan yang mudah. Saya baru menyadari bahwa keterpesonaan saya pada matematika telah mempengaruhi cara saya berpikir, cara saya bertindak dalam relasi personal saya dengan sekitar. Kadang ketika dihadapkan pada sebuah keputusan, saya secara tidak sadar telah membuat model ‘seandainya’. Bagaimana bila…., bila…,konsekuensinya…dan lain-lain. Saya selalu menuntut penjelasan sampai ke intinya, yang pada beberapa kasus mungkin tidak bisa dicapai karena begitu banyak faktor yang mempengaruhi suatu kejadian. Seperti ada adrenalin untuk terus..terus..menyingkap apa yang menurut saya sebagai kebenaran. Persis seperti karakter ilmu pengetahuan : Manusia tidak puas untuk mengerti tentang atom dan terus bergerak untuk mengetahui apa yang membentuk atom dan pada akhirnya mencoba mengungkap rahasia alam semesta. Ada suatu keasikan tersendiri dalam proses penelitian ilmu pengetahuan alam yang bisa membawa si peneliti begitu terhanyut dalam penelitian dan membuka kemungkinan untuk lupa pada konteks penelitian itu dengan kondisi sosialnya. Mungkin juga, ketika menyadari kondisi sosialnya, dia dihadapkan kepada sebuah ketidakberdayaan yang membuat frustasi. Di tempat saya bekerja, kami harus membayar 1 juta EURO per tahun hanya untuk membayar listrik. Berulangkali saya bertanya pada diri sendiri, apakah uang sebesar ini memang harga yang pantas untuk sebuah ilmu pengetahuan sementara di belahan dunia yang lain, masih ada kelaparan? Saya tidak bisa menjawabnya, mungkin karena periuk nasi saya ada di sini. Ini adalah salah satu contoh sederhana bahwa segala hal tentang manusia selalu ada bagian yang subjektif, tergantung kondisi personal dan sosial seseorang.
Kembali ke film di atas, di akhir cerita digambarkan bagaimana si mahasiswa hanya bisa menerawang ketika tanpa disadarinya justru kata-kata yang ke luar dari mulutnyalah yang memulai rangkaian peristiwa sepanjang film tersebut. Mungkin ini hanyalah ilustrasi dalam sebuah film, tapi bukankah ini benar : ketika kata-kata diucapkan, ketika kata-kata dituliskan dan kemudian didengar dan dibaca orang lain, kita tidak pernah tahu, tidak pernah bisa mengukur secara pasti bagaimana kata-kata ini akan mempengaruhi si pendengar, si pembaca? Dalam hal ini saya sangat yakin, bahwa matematika tidak perlu digunakan untuk mencari tahu, tetapi nikmati saja kejutan-kejutan yang mungkin terjadi. Saya berhayal, pada saat menjelang ajal-lah kebenaran tentang hidup baru bisa dipahami secara utuh.
Karlsruhe, ditulis tanggal 12 Juli 2009
(saat saya menulis artikel ini, saya sedang berperang dengan diri sendiri untuk berhenti bertanya tentang sesuatu dalam relasi personal saya dengan seseorang)
Selamat Akhir Pekan!
MALAM
Sunset
Mungkin sudah takdir bahwa kita hanyalah dua orang pejalan yang tersesat di sebuah kota asing. Dalam lelah yang tak terkira setelah berjalan menempuah ratusan kilometer, kamu singgah pada satu-satunya bar di kota yang berpenduduk puluhan ribu orang ini.
Kamu terpesona pada sesosok perempuan, yang duduk termangu di sudut bar dikeremangan cahaya lilin. Dalam hening malam; ketika pada akhirnya kamu dan perempuan itu duduk berhadapan meski tanpa ada satu kata pun terucap, kamu tahu bahwa kamu temukan sebagian dari dirimu yang selama ini coba disangkal keberadaannya : gairah menggebu yang harusnya mengalir dalam darah setiap manusia. Di wajahnya, kamu temukan berbagai bentuk ekspresi yang mungkin dipunyai oleh seorang manusia: ketika batas antara tangis dan tawa telah lebur; ketika sendu dan gairah dapat terlihat jelas di sinar matanya pada saat yang bersamaan; ketika marah dapat berubah menjadi penyesalan hanya dalam hitungan detik. Malam itu, tiga tubuh telah terhianati ketika jiwamu dan jiwa perempuan itu bercakap-cakap seperti kobaran api yang menerangi dan menghangatkan dinginnya malam. Aku (perempuan itu) seperti menemukan jalan pulang ketika melihat caramu membakar tembakau.
Lima hari enam malam kita mencumbu kota kecil berbatuan ini dalam persekutuan seperti inti atom dan electron. Kita bergerak dengan percepatan tanpa menyebabkan elektron jatuh dalam pelukan inti atom tapi tidak ada cukup energi untuk membuat elektron tereksitasi, keluar dari orbitnya. Kita seperti butiran pasir di tepi pantai yang bingung untuk memutuskan: pergi menjelajah lautan luas bersama ombak atau tetap menjadi butiran pasir yang setia menjaga pantai.
Tubuh kita mengikuti irama alam: siang berganti malam dan sebaliknya. Tapi tidak demikian dengan jiwa kita. Jiwa kita kunamakan senja, buah dari perselingkuhan siang dan malam, ketika batas antara siang dan malam tidak lagi jelas. Matahari mulai tenggelam dan bulan telah tampak meski sangat samar. Selalu ada aku, kamu, dan sosok tak terlihat tapi ada.
Siang hari kita adalah pejalan professional, meninggalkan jejak langkah kita di setiap sudut kota: di bukit yang mengepung kota ini; pada ingatan para penjual di pasar yang hanya ada satu kali dalam seminggu; pada orang-orang tua yang kita temui di jalan, yang mengeluh bahwa modernisasi telah menganaktirikan kota ini. Di siang hari, aku mengenal irama langkah kakimu; terpesona pada cara kamu menikmati makanan, yang dimataku tampak seperti para pendoa yang tekun; aku belajar bahwa kamu adalah orang yang memiliki kemampuan luar biasa mentransformasikan luapan emosi menjadi ekspresi ketidakpedulian. Aku menikmati saat ketika ceritaku mampu membuatmu tertawa lepas, mengoyak tabir ekspresi ketidakpedulianmu.
Tahukah kamu bahwa rahasia jiwamu diceritakan dalam sunyi oleh matamu tanpa pernah kuminta: aku memahami semua ragu, semua lelah, semua cemas, semua gairah yang kamu rasakan. Kamu marah ketika kukatan apa yang dilihat oleh mata hatiku tentang kamu. Kamu menyangkal semuanya dan memaksaku membayar penghianatan yang dilakukan matamu. Siang itu kita pilih jalan yang berbeda: kamu menemui masa lalu di museum yang memaparkan sejarah kota ini sementara aku memilih menikmati secangkir capucciono dan sepotong tiramisu sambil mengamati dan diamati orang-orang yang datang dan pergi silih berganti di sebuah kafe yang dikelola oleh sepasang suami-istri italia.
Kamu masih marah ketika kita bertemu malam itu meski lagi-lagi tubuh dan jiwamu menghianati logika yang kamu bangun dengan susah payah. Maaf, tapi tubuh dan jiwaku memahami bahasa tubuh dan jiwamu jauh lebih dalam dan lebih baik dari kesan yang ingin kamu sampaikan dalam kata-kata kasar dan kosong yang tersembur dari mulutmu. Aku memahami kamu, tapi tetap merasa terluka. Luka yang telah ciptakan dendam, yang ciptakan hasrat untuk melukaimu. Luka yang telah koyakkan egoku, luka yang membuatku meragukan diriku sendiri. Luka yang tidak dapat sembuh oleh sepotong kata maaf dari bibir tipismu. „Aku bisa memaafkanmu, tapi hanya waktu yang mampu membuatku melupakan yang kamu lakukan. Kamu membuatku seperti seekor ayam yang menyerahkan diri ke tangan penyembelihnya.“ Kamu berjanji untuk tidak melukaiku lagi, sebuah janji yang kuragukan sejak awal terkatakan.
Aku meragukan janjimu karena kamu menolak untuk menemukan dirimu sendiri. Kamu lari dari rasa yang ada diantara kita. Membuatku marah dan frustasi. Pada titik ini, kita berubah menjadi laba-laba. Berdua, kita rajut jaring yang tipis, transparan dengan kekuatan maha dahsyat. Meski kita berbaring bersisian, jaring yang kita bangun telah memisahkan tubuh dan jiwa kita ribuan kilometer. Ketika kerinduan kita memuncak, hanya ada dua pasang mata yang saling memandang dalam sedih dan tak berdaya. Tidak kutemukan lagi binar di matamu pun aku yakin tidak kamu temukan hal yang sama di mataku. Hanya ada dua kalimat setajam pisau yang keluar dari mulut kecilku. Tanya yang menusuk tepat di jantungmu menuntut jawab, „Siapa kamu sebenarnya? Bukalah topengmu.“
Pertanyaanku telah menciptakan sunyi berkepanjangan diantara kita. Sebuah sunyi yang menyiksaku sungguh. Ingin kuberlari memeluk tubuhmu tapi lagi-lagi aku terperangkap dalam jaring laba-laba yang kita ciptakan. Aku hanya mampu berteriak dalam mimpi yang mengganggu tidur malamku. „Kalau saja kamu mengakui semua rasa yang ada, segalanya akan lebih mudah. Penyangkalan-penyangkalanmu telah mendorongmu memperlakukanku secara kasar. Lalu lukaku telah membuatku tega melukaimu. Aku hanya ingin kamu mengakui bahwa rasa ini ada meski orang lain menyebutnya nista. Aku benci penyangkalan-penyangkalan yang coba kamu lakukan. Aku tahu, sosok lain yang kautemui jauh sebelum kamu singgah di kota ini akan selalu menjadi bagian dari siang dan malam yang kita lalui di sini. Menimbulkan rasa bersalah dalam dirimu dan dirku. Tapi cukupkah itu menjadi alasan untuk saling menyakiti hanya karena jiwa kita mampu untuk saling menyapa mesra penuh gairah?“
Pernahkah kamu bayangkan, betapa magisnya pemandangan sebuah kastil di malam sunyi kala bulan menampakan kesempurnaan bentuknya. Hanya ada bisikan angin menderu dan nafas memburu seorang musafir yang menahan dingin. Kamu dalam sendirimu menikmati segelas anggur di menara kastil itu dan aku adalah musafir yang berjalan sendiri dalam dingin malam melintasi satu-satunya kastil selebar 256.4 meter di kota yang telah mempertemukan kita. Itulah gambaran yang terlintas ketika kita saling berhadapan dalam diam, hanya mampu menatap nanar pada gelas bir yang telah kosong. Ketika rasa sakit yang tidak berbentuk ini tak tertahankan lagi dan memohon untuk dimuntahkan, aku hanya sanggup berkata lirih sambil menahan tangis,“Aku rindu senyummu“. „Tidak ada lagi senyumku. Aku telah mencurinya,“ jawabmu singkat.
Kuakhiri sunyi berkepanjangan itu ketika aku berhasil menyeretmu dalam langkah penuh keraguan untuk kembali ke bar yang mempertemukan kita. Aku ingin menyelesaikannya, membebaskan duri dalam daging. Ketika kurasa hanya ada satu jalan untuk menyelamatkan tidur malamku, aku membuat keputusan malam itu. Dalam secarik kertas bekas, kutuliskan ini untuk jiwamu dan jiwaku: „Tidak perlu lagi kata-kata. Aku mengerti kamu.“
Kamu, sebuah malam yang harus sudah pudar sebab matahari telah siap menggantinya. Aku harus merasa cukup mengecapmu. Lima hari enam malam.
Karlsruhe, 14 November 2009.
NIGHT
Sunset
Perhaps it is a destiny that we were only two lost travelers in the foreign city. Driven by the deep tired after hundreds kilometers of your journey, you decided to enter the only bar in the city with only thousands inhabitants.
From the very first of your step into this bar, you were hypnotized by the scene of a woman sitting at the corner of the bar. She was reading a book under the light of the candle. The night fell deeper when finally you and this woman sat face to face. Even though none of a single word was spoken, you knew that you found parts of your self that is always hidden in her: a wave of passion that should flow in every human’s blood. In her face, you could read any expressions that may exist in the world : when the border between laugh and tears are blurring; when melancholic and cheerful form a melodious song; when anger and regret complement each other. That night, three bodies were betrayed when your soul and mine chatted as if it was a flame of fire that illuminated and warmed up the night of winter. I (this woman) felt as if I found my own way went home by seeing the way you lighted up your tobacco.
Within six nights we chewed this small city with its narrow and stony streets. Our relations formed a nucleus-electron bonding: the electron never really fell into the arm of nucleus yet it never was available enough energy to excite electron, out of the nucleus’s orbit. We were like sands in the beach that confused to make decision: should we immerse into the ocean through the wave or should we stay in our safety circumstance to make sure that the beach is always there.
Our body followed the melody of the nature: day light turns to night and vice versa. But it was not the case with our soul. I gave a name to our soul: evening, a result of an affair between night and day light; when the line between day light and night is not so obvious. The sun is started to set down meanwhile the moon is only seen vague as a shadow. It always existed I, you and invisible entity having a name.
In day light, we were two professional travelers. We left behind our foot prints in every corner of the city: on the top of the hills that surround the city; in the memory of old people that we met who complained why the modernity left behind this city and transformed it to be merely an unknown spot in the map. In the day light, I learnt the rhytm of your foot step. I was tremble by the way you enjoyed your meals: in my eyes it was looked like a praying rabbi in monastery. I learnt that you are a guy who is able to hide perfectly your deepest emotion and transform it as an ignorant expression. I enjoyed the time when my stories made you laugh freely, ripped away your cold face.
Did you realize that your eyes told me the story of your soul even before I asked for? I understood all of your doubts, all of your tired, all of your anxiety, all of your passions. You got angry when I told you what were seen by the eyes of my heart through your eyes. You denied all of them and forced me to pay the betrayal of your eyes. That day, we choose different ways: you made a rendezvous with the past in the museum while I choose to enjoy a cup of cappuccino and a piece of tiramisu in the café owned by Italian couple. I observed and being observed by the people who passed by this café.
You were still angry when we met again that night even though again your body and soul betrayed the logic you built for long long period ago. Sorry, but both my body and soul understood the language of both your body and soul in such a deeper and better way than the impression you wanted me to remember behind your rude and empty words. I understood you, but I was still hurt. A pain that created anger, a pain that asked for the revenge. A pain that broke down my ego, a pain that made me looses my self confidence. A pain that was difficult to be cured by a word sorry from your sheer lip. You promise not to hurt me again, a promise that I doubt since it was spoken for the first time.
You can only keep your promise not to hurt me only and if only you found your self fully. It made me angry and frustration when you run away from the feeling that existed between us. At this point, we transformed our self into spiders. You and I united together to build a thin and transparent but powerful spider net. Even though we were lying side by side, the net that we built did our body and soul thousands of kilometers apart. When our souls were ready to explode, denying that we missed each other, only our eyes saw each other in the sad and powerless expression. I could not find the flame in your eyes yet I believed that you could not find the same flame shining out from my eyes. There were two sharp sentences, spoken out from my small mouth. It hit exactly your heart, full of demanding, “ I need to know who you are fully.”
My demand has created another long silent between us. A silent that drove me crazy. Many times I wanted to run to your arm but again the spider net reflected my body back to the place I was before. I was only able to scream in my dream that annoy my sleeping beauty,” If only you admitted all your feeling, everything would be easier. Your denial has driven you to treat me rudely. My wound gave me a gasoline to revenge. I just wanted you to admit the existence of our feeling even though other people call it a crime. I hate your denial. I know, there is another entity whom you met far before you arrived in the city where we finally met. I know this another entity would always be part of our days and nights here. It created a guilty in your soul and mine. But was it enough to be a reason to hurt each other just because our soul able to chat in full of passion?”
Have you ever imagined how magical it could be, a scene of a castle in the silent night, when the moon showed its full shape? There was only a whisper of wind and a breath of pilgrim in the coldest time in the winter’s night? You stood alone enjoying a glass of red wine in the tower of that castle and I was a pilgrim itself, crossing over the only castle of 256.4 m width in this city, our city. It was a picture that popped up my mind when once we sit face to face, SILENT. Both of us put our empty eyes to the empty glasses of beer as if those were the most artistic objects in the world. When the pain was unbearable anymore, I could only whisper a sentence while trying hard not to let my tears dropped, “I miss you…”. There was only a cold expression that i had no brave to interprete the meaning.
The long silent was ended up when I forced you to come to the same bar where we met for the first time. I wanted to finalize the things, gave freedom to my soul. When I felt that there was only one way to save my night sleep, I made a decision that night. Using a recycling paper, I wrote it for my soul, “ I don’t need your explanation anymore. I understood you fully. What I want is a peace. Let’s forgive each other. May be by forgetting the things that have happened is a good medicine. ”
You…, are a night that I could not keep in my arms anymore. I forced my self to feel enough in chewing you. Crossing over five day-lights and six nights. In the foreign city.
Karlsruhe, 14th November 2009
Cactus personality : a way of survival
Cactaceae
Few years ago, I started giving a very minor …. really minor … attention to plants. I have no patient to take care plants..well…sometimes I have no patients to take care my self either. :p
About three years ago, I helped my uncle to get rid off the grass and bamboo from his garden. I found out that these plants have amazing personality. If you look at the grass…you will not think that they are indeed one of the plants having amazingly energy to survive. In contrast with human being who should wear many layers of clothes during winter and almost naked during summer, i find out that grass have more stable behavior: they are still green passing through different seasons. How many times, how many people step on the grasses and they are still there humbly? Amazing, right?
Try to dig the land below the grass and you will be more amazed. A root of grass is tiny, weak, fragile …. but flexible. In my opinion, the survival ability of grasses come from the flexibility of their root to tangle each other. The root of grasses can grow even longer than their leaves and travel inside the soil. If you want to get rid off the grass you should be sure not to leave any trace of root because they still can grow. I respect grass of how they able to survive in silent, with minor caring of human being! Furthermore, don’t forget the importance of grasses in the history of mankind’s evolution. It is used to make papers, to feed animal that we eat (hallo…beef lover, let’s thanks to the grasses) or simply to give us a comfort bed to lay on it in under sunset, hearing the whisper of wind. 🙂 Similar character of root is shown by bamboo. Once you decide to grow bamboo in your back yard, be ready to work hard to get rid off it.
My brain rang out when one day accidentally I paid attention to the cactus of my flat mate. I don’t like cactus and I don’t understand why some people are crazy about it. I can not see the beauty of the cactus even though when some of them sometimes are in bloom. For me, this plant symbolize arrogant personality.
“You are like a rose. You are beautifull but your thorn seems to me saying that you don’t want me to walk closer to you. You are untouchable.”
That is my favorite quote when I am broken heart. But now..i think i have new symbol to describe the situation when someone wants to send you to the moon : cactus.
Cactus is a member of the plant family Cactaceae, a native to Americas. As they able to live in the extreme environments where water is rare; their thorns, spines (they are infact modified leaves)are important to conserve water, to defend themself against the water-seeking animal and to protect themself against the excessive sunlight.
I still believe that human being is created basically as a good person. However, the interaction with other people may leave behind deep and strong memories that can be either good or bad for the future. The social tension also can influence really hard circumstance to handle.
I have strange idea that history of a nation should be written down more personal. I know that it will not be easy, because the most difficult part is to be honest to our self, destroy the mask that we are used to wear and admit it to the world. Behind the most objective decisions, behind the man who decides, there is always a personal history that influence the decision. As once Hilary Clinton said during her running to White House, “It (this election) takes me personally“. Furthermore, what is the reason behind my cold behavior to my parent, to my flatmate, to my colleagues, to the one that I love so much? One of the reason may come from the basic need to survive, to conserve my existence, to protect my self. A mask. Just like the role of spines of cactus.
Recently I decided to said this to the one I love so much, ” I am sorry, I can no longer express my cares to you. The more I express my cares to you, the deeper my love for you, the more you become my cocaine. I am afraid.” And yeah… I become the cactus itself, in order to protect my self of being addicted of him. I started to grow my thorns in both direction, inside and outside. Hurting my self and him. A very deep breath….
Karlsruhe, 26 September 2009.
Adopted vs Genetic Children
- Genetic illustration. Pics from here http://www.umm.edu/graphics/images/en/19096.jpg
First, let me clarify my standpoint: At the moment, I don’t want to be classified as a follower to one of the existed religions. I had chatolic background; the fact that will always be true and I should admit that this catholism is one of the most influencing input in my life. Anyway, I don’t want to make give more clear description of my opinion about religion and related issues in the current post.
However my standpoint is important otherwise all of my thought, my opinion about this topic has found its answer. As far as I know, one of the goal of marriage in the main stream religion (let say Moslem and Christianity) and widely excepted in the society is for the continuity of human’s gen thru the children.
At the moment I can only say this about life : I continue to survive because I want to respect the life itself for the reason that is not so clear for me. In the time of happiness, I have very high energy in trying to ‘change’ our imperfect world. In the time full of disappointment, full of desperate, full of tired of survive; I feel simply life is an absurd, full of mystery. Well, I also make question about life in the time of hapiness but it is not so intense as in time I am tired of survive. I should admit that I am in the lowest energy condition at the moment so that it give me an additional energy to write down one of my burried questions.
I alwyas has this in my mind: is this really matter if human being stop the evolution or let say doomsday? Regardless the judgment day issue in the religion; is this really matter? Does safe the gens (more specifically my gens) more important than the fact that so much abandoned children all over the world, amongst the reality that lots of children being traped in the hunger? To be honest, when I think of those unlucky children, I see it is really absurd to have genetic child by my own.
More than 5 years ago, I said this to Rusman, one of my best friend, ” I will be honored to give birth to my genetic children. However, for me having adopted children is also an option. I don’t see my self of having really superior gens that is really important for the sake of human’s evolution.” If having children is the question of fullfilment of the needs of loving (as I think so..), can we human being also just give our love to the abandoned children? If having children is the question of loving, can we just express the love by supporting the family who has not enough resources to raise their children? If the evolution of human being is matter; does it really matter which gens should be safed first to be carried over thru generations (so there will be a kind of prefered gens)? OR..sHould I believe in the opinion one of my colleague during lunch: “People who don’t have inherit simply fail as human being, even for the couple that for the health reason could not have children.” Regardless the situation that I have no children so far, I am really sure to answer him, ” No, I don’t agree with you.”
I said to one of my friend that I want to have children and that I can be a good mother as well. He said,
” Do you know what do you want to do or do you know where do you want to live? If you can not answer this, then forget about it. You are not ready to have children. You are not going to raise a puppy. We are talking about the children that at some point they will think that they have right to ask something without saying thank you; the children that at some point will make their own decission without even bother to ask your opinion.”
It is a reallly dense conclusion of the meaning of having children. Anyway, I tried to argue with him that nowadays, we can not be really sure of what we can do to get money for survive. This is the picture of most scientists around me, ” THey don’t have permanent contract for their living. They only have 3 or 5 years working contract, the rest is to be advised later. In this conditions, I think people will think many times before having children because children need to be feed and so on and so on.” This is the biggest ‘commedy’ of capitalism: In one side, capitalism needs certain birth growth rate to secure the supply of labor force but in the same time capitalism doesn’t give any financial security to the people. But hey… does money really important factor before a couple decides to have children or not? This is the statistic released by Spiegel ONline International about Germany, the country which in my opinion gives quite good support to families life by giving ceratin money for parents and children: the germany’s birth rate is the lowest amongst other EU countries. No… at the end, I believe it is not only about money.
One of the most oftenly answered by parents for the questions why they works so hard day and night is they do this for children. At this point, why don’t we be critical, does it really money that children need? To be fair, why don’t we ask children, what they expect from parents? Let’s children talk of their own ….
I want to conclude to this post. I will never refuse to have my genetic children, i think it must be a really wonderfull experience but to have and to be able to love adopted children as my own genetic children is not less wonderfull experience. I think I will be a good mother but the remain issue is that as a single woman I have no brave to have, to raise adopted/genetic child. Case is closed for the moment. Talking about adpotion, it reminds me of my jealousy to my brother when i was small. I asked my mother, “Mother, am I your adopted child? Why do you love my brother more than your love to me? I am the youngest, so you should give me more attention.” Well…you can not guess how ‘silly’ the children can be… I have no idea how I could connclude that adopted child will receive less love. It is a bit unfair for the parents who love their adopted child badly.
I dedicated this post to all people (couple/single) who are brave enough to take a risk by having children and especially to my mother who is brave enough to raise all her 4 children by her own, to be a single parent for more than 20 years without any significant words of complaining. Happy b’day Mom! (30th August)
Karlsruhe, 5th September 2009.
Buon compleanno, Professore!*)
Prof B.Scrosati (pic is taken from http://www.electrochem.org/ dl/interface/spr/spr04/IF3-04-Pages18-21.pdf)
Do you use a mobile phone or a laptop? If yes, please check what kind of battery that you use. I believe most of them use lithium ion battery as a power supply. Then may be you are interested in one of the man behind this technology. He is one of my favorite professors during my master period. He is Professor Bruno Scrosati. And this is my experience being one of his students in a very short period.
I was one of the lucky guys who was accepted as a master student titled Materials for Energy Storage and Conversion. The master courses were taught by many professors from some universities in Europe who have close colaboration under European Research Network of Excellence known as ALISTORE. Prof. Scrosati is one of the professors (totally 6 profeessors from 6 universities in 4 european countries) who accepted my application.
As it is implied in its name, the master course is focused on the researches in the field of energy related materials, more specifically lithium ion battery, fuel cell, supercapacitor and sollar cell. However out of these three subjects, lithium ion battery even getting more portion than others. Thanks to this master program, I had opportunities to feel, to see, to experience, to breathe the culture of France, Italy and Poland. Of course, I could not forget the Spanish atmosphere that 3 Spanish professors brought to Poland to give us lectures in some issues.
I met Prof. Scrosati for the first time in the fall season 2005 at Toulouse. At that time there was a seminar on energy related issue or whatsoever that I didn’t remember exactly the name of the occasion. I was too shy to speak with him and to be honest, at that time I didn’t realize that he is one of the main man in the lithium (Li) ion battery research. Later on I knew that he has patent on this issue. His patent was followed by the first comercialization of Li ion battery by Sony Corporation at early 90’s. As far as I remembered, it was him who started conversation
Hey, I remember you from the application you sent for this master
I was so happy that he remembered me, the girl from the country which was more known for the tsunamies or bomb explossions.
Our second meeting took place at his office at Department of Chemistry Università degli Studi di Roma “La Sapienza” . It was 1st February 2006. We (I and 5 other students) just arrived at Termini Train Station after overnight journey from Marseille then we went directly to his office (it is about 20 minutes walking). We were really tired and no time to take a bath before meeting with him. While waiting until he came, we went to the university’s cafetaria for nice breakfast of cappucino and croissant.
I don’t remember what was exactly the meeting about. I just remembered that he took responsibility of the flat for 8 students in Rome. Yes, as accomodation in Rome was terribly expensive and difficult to find, we (8 non italian students) would stay in 3 rooms apartment with one kitchen and one bathroom. He tooks us to our new appartment which only 5 minutes walk to Vatican.
In the way to the appartment, he carried my biggest luggage. I thought he was sorry that I as a smallest student in the class carried so many things. Our first conversation at Rome was: “Are you from Malaysia?” I replied politely, “No professor, I am from Indonesia.”
I like him since first sight in Toulouse. He somehow fulfilled my imagination about father figure (My father died when I was almost 8 years old). I like him so much that I had no brave to start conversation with him. During the period I was in Rome (1st Feb to 31st May 2006), I just wanted to run away from him every time we met by accident because I didn’t know how to communicate with him.
I have feeling that he has some affection to me more than to other students. He really liked to make fun about me, about Indonesia (in a positive and friendship atmosphere). Sometimes, he started the lecture by greeting me , “Susanna (in Italian style, ‘susana, my real name with one ‘n’’ is pronounced with double ‘n’), Indonesia is sinking (remember, many tsunamies, earth quake in Indonesia).” Or in another time, he said “Susanna, you responsible for extinction of Sumatra tigers. As a response, usually I was only smile to his comments. When he said this to me, “Susana, your country is responsible for tropical deforestation”; I replied him, “Yes, professor but don’t forget that some of the wood goes to European market”. 🙂 Sorry for my answer professor! I know in any case deforestation is not a good thing, it destroys the natural balance.
Caricature about fuel cell
He taught the first and secondary lithium ion battery as well as fuel cell. Usually, the lectures was 2 housr per day for several weeks before laboratory work, report and discussions. Thanks to Piotr, one of my class mates, all of us (the master students) have the recording of his lectures so that we can always hear his English-Italian voice anytime we want. It was really usefull to repeat the lectures by listening his lectures one more time using headphone connected to our laptop before monthly examination (it was the typical situation at the end of the month in our apartment).
Besides is one of his slide during the fuel cell lectures. He took it from somewhere else. I don’t remember well, but seems he took it from Italian newspaper. Free translation of this caricature is as follows : One day the machine will be run by water. And the water price will be much more expensive than the price of gasoline. Well… water is one of the source to produce hidrogen as a fuel in the fuel cell. I could say, the Rome period was one of the most enjoyable master period. Moreover, since I like writing so much, I got good mark on the report. Twice, my reports got the highest marks. 🙂
In Italy, to receive the scholarship, I had to have codice fiscale, Italian tax number. As I am Indonesian, I need Italian visa to apply for codice fiscale. And no..I had no Italian visa before entering this lovely country. I supposed that my one year French stay permit would be enough to live in Italy as a part of Schengen countries. At the end, after visiting 3 different tax offices in Rome, visiting a police office two times, getting 3 months Italian stay permit and some phone call from Prof. Scrosati, I managed to get codice fiscale. In this period, I felt that life was not fair for me. Why did I have so much problems with administrative stuffs meanwhile my other friends not? In this difficult time to get Italian visa in Rome, Prof. Scrosati made a joke, “Susanna, you will be deported then”. Hopelessly, I replied, “Well, I will be happy to come back to my country, professor”. Silently I said to my self, “Well, if Europe doesn’t like me, I will not insist myself to be accepted.”
I left Italy at 31st May 2006. At that time, everything seemed to be O.K. I got quite good marks in Rome. But I heard that Prof. Scrosati was disappointed that some students (including me) could not attend farewell pizza party at 1st June 2006 without prior notice. I am sorry professor!
Another problem came to the surface regarding the apartment for 8 students (except students from Rome) after we left Rome. He, as a favor to his students, gave some amount of money to the owner as deposit using his own money. The landlord claimed that the students made such a mess in the apartment and just took the deposit to repair the apartment without any room for discussion with the students.
I have no intention to make more detail or write down the discussion between the students about the problem because I think it is not necessary anymore. Now, when I recall that memory, I personally can only comments, “No matter what happened between the land lord and the students as tenants, no matter we did not agree with land lord’s claims, it was not in its place that Prof. Scrosati took responsibility of it.”
At that graduation dinner, Professor, you said this to me, “Susanna, it is over. Let’s move forward”. Yes, you said that to me….!!! But professor, I can not forget unspoken language in your eyes. In your eyes that night, professor, I saw how disappointed you were. How hurt you were. Your eyes spoke deeper than your speech. I am so sorry about what happened until now. Wish I could recall the time….
I don’t know what to do to repair the relationship but allow me, to wish you Happy Birthday. Buon compleanno, Professore!
Karlsruhe, 25 August 2009
*) On his birthday at 5th August 2009.
On Kahlil Gibran’s
Let’s listen what K.G said. Silent and listen the voice of our heart.
On love
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden
…
…
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
///
For me, love is an energy. It doesn’t necessary give me happiness. It is merely an energy that can drive me to get crazy. I felt really full when I am in love. Love is an enthusiasm. i call it also “light in the eyes”
One of my friend said that I am a sadomasochist, enjoying the pain of tlove. I said confidently no.. I am agree with Gibran’s : true love may lead me to the situation of being wounded by my own understanding of love. Thus, the best expression of love that I ever gave to someone I love was letting him go because being together in this case will betray the meanig and purity of love itself. It was really painful experience. When love is fought enough, nothing to be sorry even when it doesn’t last forever like in the movie. This love, in my case will last forever even though the expression is transformed by time; i put it in the corner of my heart.
yes… i will never tired to find the light in the eyes. I hope, I will find it soon. 🙂
On Joy and Sorrow
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
…
…
///
I like this poem, full of contradiction.
For me…I choose to have fluctuation emotions rather than just flat emotion. At the end, both choices may give the same average. But I respect the process, not only the final results.
Giving my soul chances to experience many emotions is important for me. Yes..in many case it gives me many difficulties that in the moment of solitude, i make question to my self, why don’t I be a ‘normal’ people with normal decision? I need to do this so at the end I can sing “My way” with Frank Sinatra.
(All poems are taken from http://www.katsandogz.com/onjoy.html )
Karlsruhe, 18 August 2009
The foot print 
