Perhaps it is a destiny that we were only two lost travelers in the foreign city. Driven by the deep tired after hundreds kilometers of your journey, you decided to enter the only bar in the city with only thousands inhabitants.
From the very first of your step into this bar, you were hypnotized by the scene of a woman sitting at the corner of the bar. She was reading a book under the light of the candle. The night fell deeper when finally you and this woman sat face to face. Even though none of a single word was spoken, you knew that you found parts of your self that is always hidden in her: a wave of passion that should flow in every human’s blood. In her face, you could read any expressions that may exist in the world : when the border between laugh and tears are blurring; when melancholic and cheerful form a melodious song; when anger and regret complement each other. That night, three bodies were betrayed when your soul and mine chatted as if it was a flame of fire that illuminated and warmed up the night of winter. I (this woman) felt as if I found my own way went home by seeing the way you lighted up your tobacco.
Within six nights we chewed this small city with its narrow and stony streets. Our relations formed a nucleus-electron bonding: the electron never really fell into the arm of nucleus yet it never was available enough energy to excite electron, out of the nucleus’s orbit. We were like sands in the beach that confused to make decision: should we immerse into the ocean through the wave or should we stay in our safety circumstance to make sure that the beach is always there.
Our body followed the melody of the nature: day light turns to night and vice versa. But it was not the case with our soul. I gave a name to our soul: evening, a result of an affair between night and day light; when the line between day light and night is not so obvious. The sun is started to set down meanwhile the moon is only seen vague as a shadow. It always existed I, you and invisible entity having a name.
In day light, we were two professional travelers. We left behind our foot prints in every corner of the city: on the top of the hills that surround the city; in the memory of old people that we met who complained why the modernity left behind this city and transformed it to be merely an unknown spot in the map. In the day light, I learnt the rhytm of your foot step. I was tremble by the way you enjoyed your meals: in my eyes it was looked like a praying rabbi in monastery. I learnt that you are a guy who is able to hide perfectly your deepest emotion and transform it as an ignorant expression. I enjoyed the time when my stories made you laugh freely, ripped away your cold face.
Did you realize that your eyes told me the story of your soul even before I asked for? I understood all of your doubts, all of your tired, all of your anxiety, all of your passions. You got angry when I told you what were seen by the eyes of my heart through your eyes. You denied all of them and forced me to pay the betrayal of your eyes. That day, we choose different ways: you made a rendezvous with the past in the museum while I choose to enjoy a cup of cappuccino and a piece of tiramisu in the café owned by Italian couple. I observed and being observed by the people who passed by this café.
You were still angry when we met again that night even though again your body and soul betrayed the logic you built for long long period ago. Sorry, but both my body and soul understood the language of both your body and soul in such a deeper and better way than the impression you wanted me to remember behind your rude and empty words. I understood you, but I was still hurt. A pain that created anger, a pain that asked for the revenge. A pain that broke down my ego, a pain that made me looses my self confidence. A pain that was difficult to be cured by a word sorry from your sheer lip. You promise not to hurt me again, a promise that I doubt since it was spoken for the first time.
You can only keep your promise not to hurt me only and if only you found your self fully. It made me angry and frustration when you run away from the feeling that existed between us. At this point, we transformed our self into spiders. You and I united together to build a thin and transparent but powerful spider net. Even though we were lying side by side, the net that we built did our body and soul thousands of kilometers apart. When our souls were ready to explode, denying that we missed each other, only our eyes saw each other in the sad and powerless expression. I could not find the flame in your eyes yet I believed that you could not find the same flame shining out from my eyes. There were two sharp sentences, spoken out from my small mouth. It hit exactly your heart, full of demanding, “ I need to know who you are fully.”
My demand has created another long silent between us. A silent that drove me crazy. Many times I wanted to run to your arm but again the spider net reflected my body back to the place I was before. I was only able to scream in my dream that annoy my sleeping beauty,” If only you admitted all your feeling, everything would be easier. Your denial has driven you to treat me rudely. My wound gave me a gasoline to revenge. I just wanted you to admit the existence of our feeling even though other people call it a crime. I hate your denial. I know, there is another entity whom you met far before you arrived in the city where we finally met. I know this another entity would always be part of our days and nights here. It created a guilty in your soul and mine. But was it enough to be a reason to hurt each other just because our soul able to chat in full of passion?”
Have you ever imagined how magical it could be, a scene of a castle in the silent night, when the moon showed its full shape? There was only a whisper of wind and a breath of pilgrim in the coldest time in the winter’s night? You stood alone enjoying a glass of red wine in the tower of that castle and I was a pilgrim itself, crossing over the only castle of 256.4 m width in this city, our city. It was a picture that popped up my mind when once we sit face to face, SILENT. Both of us put our empty eyes to the empty glasses of beer as if those were the most artistic objects in the world. When the pain was unbearable anymore, I could only whisper a sentence while trying hard not to let my tears dropped, “I miss you…”. There was only a cold expression that i had no brave to interprete the meaning.
The long silent was ended up when I forced you to come to the same bar where we met for the first time. I wanted to finalize the things, gave freedom to my soul. When I felt that there was only one way to save my night sleep, I made a decision that night. Using a recycling paper, I wrote it for my soul, “ I don’t need your explanation anymore. I understood you fully. What I want is a peace. Let’s forgive each other. May be by forgetting the things that have happened is a good medicine. ”
You…, are a night that I could not keep in my arms anymore. I forced my self to feel enough in chewing you. Crossing over five day-lights and six nights. In the foreign city.
Karlsruhe, 14th November 2009